MANWICH

a prison recipe by

Errol Klein

Hungry? Are you joking? If you’re a man imprisoned, you’re always hungry. And chances are, you’re also out of food. Thankfully, there’s the Manwich. This jailhouse style staple is as easy as 1, 2, 3. All you’ll need is to shamelessly beg until you scrounge up a sopa and some pan. Bonus begging might get you a day-old meat pack, a dash of beans, or a squirt of mayo.

Sure, it’ll dehydrate you. Yeah, it’ll likely stimulate your hunger further. But for those few glorious seconds, as you greedily devour your spoils, you’ll elevate your experience to a salty, carbo-loaded heaven. Then sit back and take a nap – until your hunger arouses you to new and higher levels of determination and desire.

Main Ingredients:

1. Bread (aka “pan”) – two pack
2. Ramen Noodles (aka “soup”, aka “sopa”) with seasoning packet
3. Water – preferably from a hot pot, but directly from the sink works too

Extras:

1. Bologna (aka “mystery meat”, aka “meat pack”)
2. Beans
3. Mayo

Directions:

1. Fill hot pot with water and plug in.
2. Open one end of the plastic containing your sopa.
3. Pour out the noodle bits (aka “popcorn”) and enjoy as an appetizer. Leave the noodle square in the plastic pouch.
4. Fill plastic pouch with hot water until your sopa is covered, but don’t spill!
5. Let sit for roughly 30 seconds, until noodles are slightly spongy. (Warning: Don’t wait too long! – or your sopa will fall apart)
6. While waiting, open plastic and remove pan.
7. Empty water from pouch into toilet. (Don’t lose your sopa!)
8. Place your sopa between your pan.
9. Season to taste and enjoy!

Bonus:

Stack your meat pack, beans, and/or mayo. Add pickles if you can get them!

Pro Tip:

Eat quickly. You never know when a well-timed comrade will pull up and ask you to split. 😊