Dark Night

A Speech Given to Kairos

by Errol Klein

             The summer of 2012 looked to be a promising year, the start of a new life. I was 27 and had just graduated from Cal State Fullerton with my MBA. At the same time, there were two specific industries I was interested in working in: consulting and property management; and within a year I would be on the verge of landing positions in both. I would also be living five minutes from work, church, and the mountains (which I love). And I began dating the girl of my dreams. For the moment, it seemed like I had everything I needed and was blessed indeed.

There is a phenomenon called the Dark Night of the Soul that every man of God must live through. It’s that period of pain and suffering, of tragedy and trauma, when you fall so low you think you have hit bottom, until the floor falls out again and again. It’s one calamity after another, each designed to break you, dragging you deeper and deeper to the very depths of existence. And from your perspective, there’s no way out.

Have you ever gone through this Dark Night of the Soul?

Job went through it – that God-fearing man of old. He lost it all, in quick succession, one messenger at a time. Joseph went through it. From being a favorite son to a slave. Then from slavery to prison. David went through it. Anointed a king, he had to leave everything behind – his family, his home, his sheep – to be hunted in the wilderness. Even Jesus went through His Dark Night of the Soul that night in the garden of Gethsemane, confessing to Peter, James and John, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.”

And yet, the Dark Night of the Soul is not the end of the man of God. Instead, it is designed in such a way so as to draw him into deep relationship with God; to create within him a trust in God that nothing can destroy.

You see, even though God had blessed me abundantly, I was not glorifying Him through my life. I had grown up in church, and I had had that trusting relationship with Him, but as He blessed me more and more, I changed. I began to expect it. I became entitled. I thought I could do no wrong.

Beware the baby step, gentlemen. That first small step in the wrong direction. That first question of God’s Word or the wisdom of His commandments. Remember the serpent in the garden, who asked Eve. “Did God really say . . .?” Yes, He did! Let’s leave it at that.

My wandering began as lust after women. Next, I began to abuse marijuana and alcohol. Over time, I started to habitually disrespect my family and friends, ignoring their feelings, and even using them for my own ends. It’s interesting to note I still believed myself to be a good person, walking in a manner that glorified God. I just thought the world was out to get me. But in reality, I was a hypocrite.

When my Dark Night began, I was already a mess. My friend, whose house I was living in, got tired of my high-end-drunken antics, so we parted ways. Then, the girl of my dreams broke up with me, after only three months. Next, the consulting job evaporated the day before I signed. The house I moved into was sold by the owner, and I was forced to move yet again. Then I was run over in a hit-and-run while walking home from a bar. You would think I had hit bottom.

Nope.

The floor fell out again. I went on a cruise with some old friends and while insanely drunk, I was drugged and raped by two of their friends. This really messed me up. To make matters worse, when I went to the doctor to seek help, they laughed at me and ridiculed me. That was a pretty crappy year.

So, you’re probably thinking, especially since alcohol played a part in most of these incidents, that I would realize this fact and make the decision to stop drinking. And I do remember considering this prospect. But at this point in my life, I had no healthy coping skills, and my relationship with God was at an all-time low. Instead, I began to drink heavily. I began to drink to forget. I thought that if I drank enough, time would pass me by, and my problems would be far behind me. In reality, I simply buried them like seeds.

I would drink until I passed out. If I woke up, I would drink more until I passed out again. And I would repeat this process over and over until I had to leave for work. But after work, I would start the process all over. Months went by. And after a year-or-so, it seemed like my plan was working. It looked like my Dark Night was finally over.

I started to hang out with friends again. I began to work out, and hike, and play soccer. I was promoted to property manager and made more money. And I had moved back into my parents’ house so I could pay off my debt. I went, not only to church, but to Bible study every week. I even led worship on the piano once a month. But I was still drinking, almost every day. And I was definitely smoking marijuana, all day, every day. The most important thing in my life – my relationship with God, with Jesus – was still lacking, even though from the outside it seemed like it was there.

Then the stress of my new responsibilities at work began to get to me (I had poor coping skills, remember?) After a year of slowly sinking, I had an opportunity to revert back to the world of pool maintenance. I jumped on it. My friend’s boss was losing an employee and needed someone to cover his route. I would be working for an experienced pool man whose business was well-known for quality pool care. On top of this, he was a Christian. And he encouraged me to subcontract for him and start my own business on the side. So, I talked to my parents and they agreed to let me stay in their house for three years while I got my business up and running.

I began to make plans for my life. I was getting older, yet I had no family of my own, no property of my own, and I was still drinking and smoking way too much. I decided I would quit the Big 3 (cigarettes, marijuana and alcohol). In phase 1, I would stop smoking cigarettes. I could do this easily, I surmised, because I could simply smoke marijuana whenever I got the urge to smoke. In phase 2, I would quit marijuana. This would be more difficult, I knew. But I could still drink after work, so it was not undoable. Phase 3 would be the hardest. I would stop drinking.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that there were at least three problems with my plan. First, I didn’t tell my parents and so they had no idea what I was up to. By phase 2, all they saw was that I had become more of a drunk, and they took steps to intervene. Well, since I had no healthy coping skills, what do you think I did? Still fuming from our argument, I go and buy a pack of cigars, rationalizing that at least they aren’t cigarettes. But ultimately, my plans were ruined. At that point I finally knew I was in trouble. I didn’t know what to do. I was in such distress I remember asking God to “Please make yourself the center of my life again.” But now I’m in this plan–limbo when the second problem shows up.

I go to a friend’s backyard wedding. I make plans to spend the night so I don’t drink and drive. We’re drinking and dancing and having fun. At one point, however, my beer tastes funny. I mention it to a friend, but as the night goes on, I forget all about it. As the night is ending, I’m shown a couch I can sleep on, and I pass out. (You might want to plug your ears here if you are squeamish). When I wake up, I use the restroom and there’s blood on the paper. Now, to be honest, I don’t know if anything happened – could have been a hemorrhoid – but the situation triggered a flashback, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

Remember those seeds I had buried? It turns out they had grown into trees. And so I began to cope in the only way I knew how. I started my cycle of drinking, pass out, drink, pass out, go to work, drink, pass out, and repeat all over again.

And now the third problem to my plans intervened: God. At some point before this I had reformulated my plans regarding the Big 3. Although I didn’t want to drink and smoke as much, I still wanted to partake occasionally. Essentially, I told God, “I want You in the center of my life . . . but . . . I also want to keep just a tiny, little bit of sin in my life too.”

This does not work, my friends. For you cannot serve two masters.

Sadly, once again, the floor fell out. But this time, my Dark Night irreversibly darkened the lives of countless others. Less than a month later, I was driving drunk when I killed Mr. Martin Raza. My plans were finished.

Since that day over eight years ago, I have not drank nor smoked. I no longer have any desire to do so. In fact, the thought revolts me. For I know now where it leads. The evidence cannot be denied. Instead, I share my story in the hopes that others – you – may learn from my experience and make better decisions than the ones I have made.

Remember Job? He didn’t know what was going on in heaven to precipitate his suffering, but he was able to put his trust in God throughout his troubles, and in the end, he was restored. Joseph, through his 13-year ordeal, learned not only how to manage a kingdom, but afterward could tell his brothers, “What you meant for evil, God intended for good . . . the saving of many lives.” David wrote psalm after psalm filled with emotion, each ultimately reaffirming his trust in God, and finally he received the kingdom. And Jesus, our perfect example, after asking the Father if it were possible to take this cup from Him, was able to say, “Yet not my will, but thy will be done,” and then went to the cross for sinners like you and me.

I’d like to point out, these men weren’t suffering for their sin, as I was. But they suffered nonetheless.

Today, I have learned to trust in God’s plan and purposes for my life. I still ask myself, “Why did an innocent man have to die before I stopped my destructive choices and behavior? Why did I have to harm so many people before I divorced myself from my sinful ways?” And I don’t necessarily know the answers to these questions. I can’t change the past as much as I wish I could. But I do know that every man-of-God must go through his Dark Night of the Soul.

So when life seems like it can’t get any darker, trust in God. When it gets darker still, cling to Him. Cry out to Him. Repent, and turn from your sin. Let the Son rise in your heart. Remember, God will use your Dark Night for your eternal good, and His everlasting glory.